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Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Booby prize

I love this time of night, I seem to do my best things when the daylight fades. Its like me the dark, sometimes calm and quiet but chaotic and swirly. I'm able to concentrate more, whether its writing, my other creative pursuits or simply chewing over a descision that I need to make. When I was in Wales I used to stand in uncle's back garden. I can see the stars so clearly out there, their brightness unobscured by synthetic street light. I'd stay out the for awhile looking upwards picking out the constellations, the stars like pin pricks in tin, wondering what was out there, realising that aside from being beautiful they are the only thing that man cannot destroy, that goes untouched for the most part by human hand. I'm quite lame, even at the age of 26 I still make wishes on shooting stars, because surely something so beautiful and spectacular is magical. Thats the sad thing about getting older we loose are belief in magic.
I know alot of people have stars tattooed these days, but i'm thinking about having a half sleeve done. I'm not putting details down as to the design but what I have in mind is super pretty and holds the meanings I mentioned a moment ago.

In my last blog I wrote an end note saying that I was going to be doing a piece on 'Reclaim the night' however in retrospect I feel it would be inappropriate to write a piece of that nature under the heading of this blog(single,passion, shoes and lube). So i've decided to write this one because of the head space i've been in recently and because I started squiggling notes down a month or so ago due to watching a documentary on BBC3 called 'How to live with women'. The show sends the boyfriends of long suffering girlfriends of to live with three inspirational women, who in effect mentor them and put them through their paces to turn them around. The eepisode I watched and the one that promted me to write this blog is the one with welsh boy Terry. For half of the show I thought he was a chavinistic arrogant idiot, because he was so full of himself. As the episode progressed he went to meet a journalist, who saw straight through his bravado and got hime to crack and spill. She poked at the root cause of his constant self affirmation of ''i'm lush'' seeing and listening to his response to what the journalist said to him, not only did my opinion changed but I empaathised with him. Terry fessed up that the reason behind his cocky attitude and wearing foundation, the reason for his self affirmation of ''i'm stunning'' was because when he was at school he was badly bullied for the way he looked and called ugly. It wasn't out of self love or vanity he was trying to convince himself that he wasn't ugly. On camera he openly admits that the things he says isn't really how he see's himeself. The make-up wasn't hiding his so called bad skin. It was hiding him. Bullying regardless of what the taunts are, will ineviatbly have a psychological impact on us, it leaves nasty ass scars.

My next admission will probably shock those of you that I didn't go to school with, it'll really shock those of you that i've gotten to know since i've been living in Ex. But I was actually bullied in school. And even though none of the taunts contained the word ugly, I still felt that way, ugle andd not good enough. The psychological impact I refer to above was pretty obvious in my teens. I had 0% self esteem.
I remember once I was walking down the road near my home in Cheshire and two lads(17 tops) wolf whistled at me as they drove past in their car. I remember to this day thinking that they were mean and that I knew I was ugly but they didn't have to rub it in. So when I moved down to Wales and all of a sudden the boys I liked, liked me back I marvelled at it and found it so hard to believe.

Looking back to who I was then I realise i've put alot of hard work into healing. I have scars that I fight hard to keep buried, but the low self esteem one keeps filling with pus and rearing its head into my consciousness, being that i'm opeen at the moment(and by that I mean letting my vulnerable side show, the side that only a close few are privy to). If I could go back in time and see the young me, aside from saying get the fuck out now. I'd shake her and tell to snap the hell out of it. I'm referring to the times when i'd leave the house with my head down, hiding behind my hair, with my eye's cast to the floor, when I couldn't look people in the eye because I was scared what i'd see and because I didn't feel like I was worthy of doing so, when i'd blush scarlet if a guy I liked spoke to me, how painfully shy I was. I'd tell her straight that things would change, that they get better. That the future me would be doing amazing things. And pulling blokes that looked like rockstars(metal ones) and models. And that at 18 she'll fall in love and be loved back by a man who'd write a song about her. And that all of those blokes will like her for her just the way she is. I'd also tell her to take her GCSE's and not to drop out of college like a twat. See its funny sitting her writing things that I would say to the old me, if only the future me could come here to the present and give me a shake, and impart some similar truths and pearls of wisdom on me.
Because even now I find shit getting to me.

Esentially I get paid to talk for a living, I have to be confident and bold. I make a point of walking upto groups of blokes and looking the one i'm attracted to square in the eyes and convince him to go to the strip club. And even when i'm having and ugly day and just want to hide away I knoww I can't. I suck it up, give myself a mental shake, take a deep breath and get on with it. If I went home with every guy that came onto me i'd be in tripple digits by now, but I don't go home with any of them, maybe if I did I would discover one, just one that wouldn't rather be putting his dick in someone else. See when I get knocked back these days by guys i'd consider dating, I find myself wishing that I was like the girl they've chosen over me(and yes I know right give yourself a slap Claude) I can't believe how brutally honest i'm being but its cathartic. I do that revert back to my self loathing ways, the inferioty complex starts to fluctuate again, see when you're made to feel and or told that you are worth nothing for so long that shit sticks as I pointed out earlier it leads to psychological damage which seeps into your adult hood. I think I find myself comparing myself to these women as men arn't honest enough and yes I know it sounds pathetic but I know i'd go away not being so brutal on myself if they just said why. Because in reality just because those blokes have chosen a better option. It dosn't mean that i'm nobodies first choice or that i'm the booby prize.

I'm many things. Confident, shy, vibrant, hot headed, honest, creative, passionate, stubborn, control freak, messy, hyper, a listener, a talker, funny, ditzy, intelligent, in need of Prozac when i'm PMS'ing. I'm all of those things but honestly when it comes down to it lets just face it they're just words that hold no weight or meaning if the person that they belong to dosn't even like herself right.

Things i'm liking right now
Listening with the window open, to the rain thats hammering down right now.
Lazy afternoons in the park with my best friend.
Homances (i came up with this, defintion: a date with your female friend that will not result in any sexual activity. Boys can have bromances now we can have Homances)
Tommy Flanagan he plays Chibs in Sons of Anarchy he's an amazingly gifted actor.
My new dresses by Yumi, quirky and cute <3

Things i'm not liking right now
That I havn't had any dick for a week! And yes it is a long time!
The way I feel about myself right now...uggggh!
That season 3 of SOA isn't available on DVD over here until October rrrrrr
That my punch bag is still in Wales (learn how to fly damn it)

On that note i'll leave it there lovely peoples
Have a good week, Kinky Cupcake XOX

Monday, 21 March 2011

Dirty girl

Hey lovely people sorry i've been a little lax on writing, it's been a busy couple of weeks. I've started painting again. I picked up some fresh tubes of acrylics and fresh canvas, and had at it. Its funny how smells transport you back in time. The smell of the paint gave me flash backs to my college days...when everything was still new and an adventure waiting to happen and fueld by teenage angst. Its been fun going back to my creative roots I like the texture of paint its oddly sensual. I've completed one full piece which I spent 8hours doing its a 50s pin-up chick with vones and fuschia roses. The second which is half done is a self portrait, which believe it or not was inspired by a pot of coral nail paint and the Blake poem 'The Tyger' which could turn out well. I've also come up with some cupcake recipes to try and designed a revamp for a pair of shoes that i've worn all of once, just need to get a glue gun and have at it.

I made a discovery in the bedroom on friday night but i'll come back to that in a minute. For those of you that are wondering if I found out who Mr Anonymous is the answer is yes but not until I humiliated myself by asking wboy if it was him or not *cringe* and *double cringe* for telling him that I was hoping that it was him that had left it. Needless to say ladies and gents my sexy underwear remains to be seen by him but that has nothing to do with the above in fact he was most sweet about it. I suspect that the reasons the total hottie that is wboy has nothing to do with my personal life you all know how I like to compartmentalize my life so I won't be wroiting about it. It is a shame as I feel like a college student with a crush when he messages me you know like a swarm of butterflies has taken up residency in my stomach, so id've bet that the sex would've been explosive. Alas and c'est la vie.

I also got chatted up by a guy that looks like a younger Nikki Sixx (bassist in Motley Crue) ummmm long hair, innocent blue eyes and brazen flirt, puurrrrrr kitty. That was inbetween the 'mr anonymous' debacle and the recent turn of events. Last week I gave up cock for lent and an old friend bet that I would last all of 20 minutes. That ladies and gents came from a man that dated me for 8months thus knows me very well and well enough to know that I wouldn't last.
Valentine and I have broken the 'we're not fuck buddies' thing, but first things first. After torturing myself about my behaviour for the duration of thursday night and all day friday, Valentine came round for a cup of tea, I count my blessings that I have such great friends V not only listened whilst I tortured myself some more about my behaviour on thursday night he also managed to cheer me up and make me laugh.

When I got home from work later that night I was pretty damn happy to find a text from Valentine waiting for me and even happier when I called him he said he was already on his way to mine as I was still realing from someone fabricating a story about me and was in dire need of man sized hugs and sorry ladies but i'm sure some of you will agree, when you're feeling crappy sometimes only man sized hugs from your guy mates are the best remedy, and kudos V, mate you give them good. To cut to the chase after V climbing through the window, kissing my lipstick off and doing that holding me up with one hand thing(which I still find immensly horny) we went through to my room where I made the discovery, drum roll please............................................................I found out that I actually like dirty talk it transpires that it has to be kinky dirty talk as oppossed to the 70s porno talk. I also discovered that I like having my hair pulled just lightly its more about the firmness of the grip that gets me. I had the best shag ever! The build up of filth definitely had a huge amount to do with the spectacular orgasm I had. Everything from being stroked lightly and feeling each of my nerve endings tingling, the light hair pulling, giving V head, then the dirty talk came whilst he was busy making my ass cheeks rosey. As I mention above i'm not normally a huge fan of dirty talk(sure i'm a huge fan of sexting and cyber sexing via IM and email) but this was soooo hot. There was one thing in particular that Valentine said that elicited a cringe like response but at the same time turned me on sooo much and made me want him to make my cheeks even more red. A short while later I was having the best shag ever and reaching orgasmic oblivion harder and faster than before and I thoroughly enjoyed every last minute of it. Admittedly I don't think the neighbours enjoyed hearing me shouting oh my fucking god at the top of my voice *Note to self do not complain about their music anymore fairs fair* at 3 in the morning.

My to do list this year.
Learn to drive
Do a cake decorating course
Do something incredibly ambitious even if its totally out of reach, like send a link to my blog to all of the major glossies to see if they'll give me a job

Things i'm loving right now(other than my mates dick)
That my best friend seems happier
Walking home in the rain and still not caring that my hair will get messy
That spring is here
My new 50's style sunnies
The Son's of Anarchy box set(swoon Charlie Hunnam half naked on a Harley what more could a girl want umm I wonder if I ask Santa nicely i'll get him for christmas lol)

Things i'm not liking at all right now
Thats i'm too old to be day dreaming about the big adventure
People that lie(to me, about me or to each other)
That I still don't know what I want to do with my life
That I can't have pets at my current place(i miss my ninja kitty Motley or having a pooch)
That womens self defense isn't been taught in sixth form or college

A quick end note, my next blog will be about reclaiming the night recently there was a rclaim the night rally that I couldn't attend due to work. It will be my opinions and views on what this country could do to prevent violent crimes against women because lets face it there are things that could be done and pepper spray is illegal over here.

Have a lovely evening and thank you all for reading according to my stats its turning out to be a hit.
Kinky Cupcake xoxoxo

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

The trouble with guys and dolls

I'm wondering if pheromones are the reason for my wrong choices there needs to be some form of explanation as to why I seem to hone in on the most unavailable guys. Our natural secent afterall plays a huge part in attraction. I've learned numerous things this year one of the main things is is this...that I need to stop makinng the same stupid mistakes when it comes to guys and just stick to what I know and do best, those of you that have been in my bed know what that thing is. Truth be told to quote Joan Jett ''I love playing with fire''. Maybe Mr Anonymous is totally right hell maybe i'm right maybe we should all sack sex on the head and resort to porn, lube(you all know i'm a huge fan...genius invention) and our right/left hand. In referance to porn thought i've got to be honest I don't watch it, sure I have a stash of dirty magazines but i'd rather read an erotic novel(not that trash you find in a certain sex shop found on a highstreet near you) no i'm talking about L'histoire O or Kings pawn any of you kinksters reading this have probably read or at least heard of the former no vanilla for this Kinky Cupcake. See I have a pretty good imagination and would rather create the scenario in my head as opossed to watching some fake chick make fake orgasm noises whilst she's getting fucked by an equally as fake looking bloke, that dosn't do it for me in the slightest i'd rather lay back and imagine doing kinky things with a non fake looking honey e.g any of the guys i've hooked up with and Charlie Hunnam(the hottie in SOA and Greenstreet) has made a few appearances.

See i've been thinking alot about my views and what I want in life where I want to be these past few weeks in regards to the man thing. Like right now i'm enjoying having sex with different people you know if i'm not going to settle down I need to make the most of myself including my looks i'm not going to look like this forever right so at when I get older and my looks begin to fade, and I wear my years on my face the fucking will enievitably stop right. So the question is this what the hell is going to happen then? When all my friends are all shacked up and still refusing to contemplate being a cougar what then? Will have to resort in taking a couple of trips to Amsterdam to pay for it? I think paying for sex is ok(in Amsterdam where its legal) but I don't want to hit 40 and have to resort to paying for it. You guys are lucky fuckers, men age better than women. Age looks more attractive on a man look at Nikki Sixx he still smoking hot and the dudes nearly 50, Steven Tyler is another example of older hottie. Ohh well I don't think i'd trade multiple orgasms for looking prettier in my golden years.

In regards to what i'd like to achieve career wise, i've done my nail course and i'm a fully qualified nail technician so that stands me in good stead for my own business when I hit 30, however that being said excuse me for sounding like a 50's housewife but I love baking I find it theraputic and find it equally as so as painting. And for someone who has a rather prominant feminist streak it irritates me that i'm so good(i'm going on the opinions of my tasters) at something thats percieved to be a stereotypical female thing to do. I like it so i'm thinking perhaps about doing a course mainly the decorating aspect of it because i've kind of got the baking thing down I just want to broaden my horizons with making them look pretty. And who knows maybe i'll open up my bakery.

Just a few tidbits for your titillation. I've started painting again(my profile pic on facebook) I forgot how much I enjoyed doing it and how much acrylic paint honks. Also my best friend saw my vagina lol I think since we've known each other when you take in to account the naked bits we've seen of each other we can pretty much say we've seen each other naked ahhhhh BF if only you were a dude lol just to clarify how my BF saw my Vajay jay I had split my pj pants and had to go up and tell her that our friend had come round(i was accessing the damage of the tear when she saw hahahahah)

On that note I have some sulking to do so i'll leave it there.

Monday, 7 March 2011

To fuck or not to fuck

So hows everyone's week been? Mines been super busy hence me being so slack on writing. Valentine and I were lounging about the other day and he asked me what my type was you know do I like blondes or brunettes prefer brown eyes to blue. When I flick through the mental roladex of honnies i've had the pleasure of dating or hooking up with they're not all cookie cutter identicates that equate to a type, see when it comes to aesthetics eye and hair colouring arn't important to me. Not that i'm not choosey on the contrary I am very much so, it takes someone super special to catch my eye but variety as they say is the spice of life.

There's one thing that is prominant. When I look at my dating history and that is that I generally go for the guys that stand of the crowd wheter its their hair style(dreads, mohawks, shaved head or spikey and surfy) or they have tatts and or piercings. V has alot of ink and everytime I look at him especially mid shag I notice something I hadn't seen before its another plateu to explore when you have them naked I will just point out here most of Vs ink is on his arms but its not why why I like them he's got a real big set of in fact we were stood in my kitchen and he held me up with one arm.

When I was 17 I dated a media student at the uni, he's a stunner *takes a moment to swoon* tall, caramel skin and big doe eyes the colour of espresso, he had the coolest nose piercings, he had a silver horseshoe in his septum and tiny silver hoops on either side, in my opinion its the most attractive piercing on a guy, personally I blame Shane from Boyzone for that and yes you did read that right please feel free to mock lol.
Its a scientific fact that we are more likely choose someone that we have things in common with over those that we don't so when I see a gorgeous bloke if he's got piercings, tattoo's, or is a bit out there inregards to hair and style(punk, metaller, skater's) I think there's a strong possiblity that we'll have common ground.

Because looks aside personality is the most important thing as far as I'm concerned its where I do have a ''type'' regardless of the situation I wamt you know friends with benefits etc. 90% of the guys i've been with are creative mainly when it comes to music but a few have been artists and great with their hands again its about common ground about a connection to form the conversation with inbetween sex. Also I don't do stupid guys, if my mind isn't stimulated chances of them stimulating any part of my anatomy are slim, whether its discussing politics, books, art or psychology or what ever.

My ultimate turn offs

Guys with long nails...ick and ouch at the same time
Skinny dudes(as in my size)
Guys that use sun beds/fake tan/hair straighteners
Guys that expect me to do all the chasing(not going to happen boys unless my efforts are reciprocated after the 2nd time feel free to jog the hell on
Guys that make my stomach go all bunched up (means i'm fucked because I like them in the curious about a date kind of way)

Ultimate turn ons

Masculine men (face fur, chest hair etc)
Shy guys (e.g guys that blush when I talk to them)
Nice hands and arms( i'm an arm girl you know how some guys are 'a leg man' 'bum man' etc)
Funny blokes, make me laugh and offer to make me a cup of tea you're one step away from being golden
Intelligent men
Gorgeous eyes

A quick update, V and I arn't fuck buddies any longer as I found myself getting jealous when he mentioned other ladies(and jealousy is an ugly feeling) its not like i've not got a couple of dudes on the go and its not that I want to date him I think its more attributed to the fact that I am an Alpha female and don't like to share well not in regards to cock hahah although my self restraint went out of the window last night I lasted about an hour before I caved...and it was hot.

Also before I go my best friend and I had a convo earlier in regards to my no dating beliefs and I sulkily said that the guys that make me curious about dating again are often the ones I can't have like Canada boy for example that one was a no brainer he lives a 7 hour plane journey away and Sin well the dude was an ass a recent guy has also like the aforementioned now has zero interest in me i'm baffled by this. But as my best friend and I both concurred we see the guys looking at us and its the ones that arn't that pique our interested, the ones that will never want us back you know what they say the cock is always better on the side of the fence. A revelation that also shocked my fabulous best friend is this... I pointed out that if I want to cwtch(hug in welsh) a guy as well as kiss him and fuck him i'm screwed as I like him as I don't imagine or act on the former with a fuck buddy post shag(in friend mode yes but if we're planning on getting it on then no)
It's like destiny gives me a bitch slap to drive it home that i'm meant to fly solo and not date as the guys that come my way that I contemplatee more from never want more back or anything from me for that matter.

Right now that i've rambled on for ages i'm going to go add some paint to the canvas. Gents this end note is for you if you don't like a chick...tell her striaght up we do you the courtesy of be honest so start showing it back.